When we choose our girlfriend we think we are doing so of our own free will because we get on with them and share hobbies and interests.
While this is the case to some degree of course there is also a lot more going on unconsciously and we are actually following a set of evolutionary imperatives to try and pick someone we think will be a good mother and provide the best genetics and resources for our child. This is why we're attracted to breasts (because they suggest the mother will be good at breast feeding and is fertile), a good hip to waist ratio (ever heard of child bearing hips?) and of a caring and maternal instinct.
This goes on consciously though too and once we reach a certain stage in the relationship it is normal to begin wondering whether or not the person we're considering spending the rest of our lives with would make a good partner and be able to raise our children in the way that we would like.
So how do you know if your girlfriend is Mum material? What is it that makes a good mother? And what signs are there that you can look out for?
'Ooh Isn't He Cute?'
Of course there are all the usual clichés you can be on watch for – for instance whether she seems to like children and how she acts when she sees your friends' and family's children. Does she instantly pick them up and molly-coddle them? Do they instantly stop crying and fall into an angelic sleep? You might also be able to tell a little bit by how she acts around animals, and especially if you have a pet (looking after an animal of course has some parallels to looking after a baby). Another good tell tale sign is how she acts when you need looking after which can allow you to experience her mothering side first hand. When you've had the man flu does she provide you with chicken soup, a warm flannel and cough syrup? Or does it just not occur to her that you might need a little extra attention? How does she act when you're feeling down?
Much of this will come from a basic sensitivity and emotional intelligence. This is what allows her to pick up on your moods and tend to you when you need it, and that will be even more important when it comes to understanding intuitively what a baby wants (who cannot talk of course) or making sure that a teenager with low esteem grows up to be confident and secure in themselves.
Super-Mum
This is just one side of being a good mother however. At the same time there's also the other more practical aspect of organizing the children, making sure they have a lift to and from school, making sure they get their homework in on time, making sure they take their tablets and keeping the house clean (if this is a stay-at-home Mum anyway). That all means that there's a lot of time management and organization involved in parenting, and that means that a certain amount of organization is necessary. The 'scatty' girl next door then might not be quite as efficient when it comes to providing a child with all of their needs then as the super-organized neat freak business woman you know (though often the latter aren't as great on the emotional care front).
Disciplinarian
There's another aspect of parenting too – and that's discipline and morality. As a parent it's your job to make sure that your child grows up to be a moral and responsible citizen, and it's also highly important that you get them to eat their greens and stop smearing what they find in their nose onto your couch. In other words, to be a good mother your girlfriend will need to be able to bring the discipline from time to time in a firm and fair manner.
The best way to know whether or not she will be able to do this is to look at her confidence levels. A very confident girl will almost always be better at being able to discipline your child as children tend to pick up on weakness intuitively. Think of your old teachers – it was the confident, assertive and strong teachers who got your respect and quietened down the class and it was the nerdy and meek who couldn't get you to stop throwing things.
Another point to bear in mind when it comes to discipline is what their views are like. These are the views that they are going to pass onto your children, and they are the views that will determine what they deem is 'right' and 'wrong'. If your views are in accord then that will normally mean that you can agree on most decisions and that your children will be raised in a way that you are happy with. However if your points of view are drastically different then you will probably find that you are less happy with the way they raise your children. Things like differences in religion, politics and morality all can be a problem – although a little difference and variation can be a good thing as it will help to give your child a more rounded worldview.
Fun... ness
If you think of your partner as fun to be around and a good sport then this will often help them to be good parents as they'll be able to play with your children and keep them giggling. This will help to build a strong relationship between mother and child early on and will mean that your child is more likely to listen to them. At the same time a fun parent is often a down to Earth parent and a little good humor is required in order to understand children and to see the bright side when things start going wrong.
Intelligence
Things like humor are a sign of intelligence and this is a very good trait for a mother to have. This will of course help her to understand the important aspects of raising a child such as the biology and why certain things are important. Further intelligence will help them to reason with your child, to help them understand certain viewpoints and to help them with their Maths homework. An intelligent parent then will result in a child who is smarter and better educated, as well as one who is well looked after.
We All Turn Into Our Parents
All of this can be a little complicated and it's difficult to think about your partner in light of all this information and wonder just how emotionally sensitive and confident they'll be when they have a child. Fortunately it is possible to understand a little bit more about the mothering blueprints of your partner by looking at their DNA – their mother. Their mother can be seen like a 'ghost of Christmas future', and the way they are now is likely how your partner is going to turn out. This is in regards to looks often and in regards to how they raise their children, so try and snoop into what life was like growing up for your partner and whether she has happy memories of her time with her mother. Do you approve of the stories you hear? And what has your partner learned from her experiences with her Mum?
All of these things can help give you some insight into how your partner might be as a mother and this is a good way to start to build a picture of what she might be like. However make sure that you don't judge her too harshly before giving her a chance – and certainly not purely on the merits (or lack thereof) of her mother. Remember that some people actually become the opposite of their parents when they grow older if they felt they had a bad experience. At the same time while your partner may seem scatty and unconfident now – remember that having a child is something that changes people very greatly and she will be likely to grow and change as a way to adapt to the new situation. She may just surprise you and pull it out of the bag.
More to the point though, if you really love your partner then that means that her mother can't have done that bad a job, and that there must be some traits you'd like to see passed on to your offspring. And this is one of the most important things – because if you love your partner then your child will pick up on this and it will do wonders for their upbringing. One of the best ways to ask if she's going to make a good mother is just to think – does she make a good partner?
Huwebes, Nobyembre 3, 2011
Helping Your Child Learn to Read
One of the most important things you can do for your child is to prepare him or her for reading. There are millions of people walking around today that cannot read or write their native language and for them life is very hard. Statistics show that many high school graduates are actually illiterate. How these kids get through their whole school career without anyone noticing they cannot read is beyond me but unfortunately, it does happen. When you see a situation like this you cannot help but put the brunt of the blame on the parents. After all, isn’t it our job to know whether or not our children can read? While there are some learning disabilities such as dyslexia that may hinder kids from reading well, there are even more cases of pure negligence and laziness. There is no excuse for a parent to allow his/her child to slide by without knowing how to read. The good news is you can help your child from a very early age to ensure that he/she never has to struggle through a life of illiteracy.
It Is Never Too Early to Begin
There is nothing written in stone that tells us that we must wait until our child reaches kindergarten to begin learning to read. I had a grandmother who worked with me diligently and by the time I was 4 years old I was ready to read to her each morning from the newspaper, and I did everyday. She started by singing the alphabet song to me with each and every diaper change from the day I came home from the hospital. By the time I could talk I was able to sing my ABC’s. From there we started working on the sounds of each letter and how they could be used. I learned all of my vowels and how they could be pronounced in long or short form. I learned what syllables were and about the letters that are sometimes silent when they sit next to another letter. After awhile, I was able to start linking the letters together and sounding them out. We used flash cards and memory games and she dedicated at least an hour every day to teaching me how to read, spell and write. When I reached kindergarten I was already on a 3rd grade reading level. This is not to say that all parents should have their children reading this well by the time they start school but it is important to understand that base knowledge is going to start at home.
A Large Portion of Reading Is Memorization
After we have been reading for some time we actually do so by memorizing what each word looks like. It is no longer a matter of sounding the word out. We see the word and we know what it is because we have read it and written it so many times. This is why memorizing words and what they look like is so important when teaching children to read. This does not mean you do not have to teach your children phonetics and how to sound a word out but it does mean that you can help them greatly by helping them to identify words by memory. Flash cards using pictures and words are great tools to help children learn new words. For example, you may want to use flash cards that show animals and the corresponding word. You will also want to do the same for body parts and all sorts of other things in the world. After doing this for some time your child will be able to look at a tree or another object and tell you how it is spelled. Repetition is very important when children are learning to read.
Get Your Children Interested in Reading by Reading to Them
Another thing my grandmother always did with me was read. Each and every night she read to me until I feel asleep. She picked the most interesting books and I can remember being so eager to find out what happens next. To this day I still remember her reading "The Trumpet of the Swan" to me and how I wished the story would go on forever. By doing this she taught me that opening a book could take me to a wonderful new world and that in those pages I would find adventure beyond my wildest dreams. This inspired me to want to read myself as it was very frustrating when she was unable to read to me because I could not get the story without her help. If you have young children read to them. It doesn’t take much out of your day to sit down and read your kids a story and you will be doing them a great service in doing so.
Teach Children to Comprehend What They Read
A huge part of reading is comprehension and just because your child may be able to read a sentence to you does not necessarily mean he/she has understood what was read. If a child does not comprehend the material he/she is reading it will become very boring to him/her. Try asking your child after each paragraph what he or she has understood from what was read. If you find that he/she is lacking in reading comprehension then you should tell him/her to go over it and read it to her/himself one more time. Do this until he/she picks up on what was read. Once your child learns how to comprehend what is being read it will open up a whole new world for him/her.
Always keep up on what is going on with your child’s school life and academics. It is easy for a working parent to allow some things to slip through the cracks but being aware of the areas your children are struggling in and doing something about it will help your child achieve success.
It Is Never Too Early to Begin
There is nothing written in stone that tells us that we must wait until our child reaches kindergarten to begin learning to read. I had a grandmother who worked with me diligently and by the time I was 4 years old I was ready to read to her each morning from the newspaper, and I did everyday. She started by singing the alphabet song to me with each and every diaper change from the day I came home from the hospital. By the time I could talk I was able to sing my ABC’s. From there we started working on the sounds of each letter and how they could be used. I learned all of my vowels and how they could be pronounced in long or short form. I learned what syllables were and about the letters that are sometimes silent when they sit next to another letter. After awhile, I was able to start linking the letters together and sounding them out. We used flash cards and memory games and she dedicated at least an hour every day to teaching me how to read, spell and write. When I reached kindergarten I was already on a 3rd grade reading level. This is not to say that all parents should have their children reading this well by the time they start school but it is important to understand that base knowledge is going to start at home.
A Large Portion of Reading Is Memorization
After we have been reading for some time we actually do so by memorizing what each word looks like. It is no longer a matter of sounding the word out. We see the word and we know what it is because we have read it and written it so many times. This is why memorizing words and what they look like is so important when teaching children to read. This does not mean you do not have to teach your children phonetics and how to sound a word out but it does mean that you can help them greatly by helping them to identify words by memory. Flash cards using pictures and words are great tools to help children learn new words. For example, you may want to use flash cards that show animals and the corresponding word. You will also want to do the same for body parts and all sorts of other things in the world. After doing this for some time your child will be able to look at a tree or another object and tell you how it is spelled. Repetition is very important when children are learning to read.
Get Your Children Interested in Reading by Reading to Them
Another thing my grandmother always did with me was read. Each and every night she read to me until I feel asleep. She picked the most interesting books and I can remember being so eager to find out what happens next. To this day I still remember her reading "The Trumpet of the Swan" to me and how I wished the story would go on forever. By doing this she taught me that opening a book could take me to a wonderful new world and that in those pages I would find adventure beyond my wildest dreams. This inspired me to want to read myself as it was very frustrating when she was unable to read to me because I could not get the story without her help. If you have young children read to them. It doesn’t take much out of your day to sit down and read your kids a story and you will be doing them a great service in doing so.
Teach Children to Comprehend What They Read
A huge part of reading is comprehension and just because your child may be able to read a sentence to you does not necessarily mean he/she has understood what was read. If a child does not comprehend the material he/she is reading it will become very boring to him/her. Try asking your child after each paragraph what he or she has understood from what was read. If you find that he/she is lacking in reading comprehension then you should tell him/her to go over it and read it to her/himself one more time. Do this until he/she picks up on what was read. Once your child learns how to comprehend what is being read it will open up a whole new world for him/her.
Always keep up on what is going on with your child’s school life and academics. It is easy for a working parent to allow some things to slip through the cracks but being aware of the areas your children are struggling in and doing something about it will help your child achieve success.
The Fears of a First Time Father
The fears of a first time father can be vast and deep. The expected roles of fathers have changed so much over the generations that it can be confusing. While dads were once supposed to be a little more distant and aloof while earning the family's income, the role of the touchy-feely father eventually emerged. After that there was a call to bring a more manly role model to the family. How is a new dad supposed to understand what his role is supposed to be in a world that keeps redefining fatherhood?
A first time father can look to his own experiences for guidance. This isn't always easy because not all men feel that they have had successful role models in their lives. Sometimes it isn't about defining a role model and taking on ideals developed through someone else's example that creates a good father. Sometimes a good father can look at their experiences and determine what it is that they really should avoid doing.
Financial Fears
Despite the changing roles of gender specific ideals, the new father still feels the pressure to earn the income necessary for his family. One of the quiet and constant worries of a new dad is almost always financial. In fact, this fear can be so great that he forgets to stop and actually enjoy his family. In those moments when everything is really actually just fine, he is living in the future worrying about money and security. While financial planning is certainly recommended for any family, it is just as important to stop and see what is going on right at the moment. Chances are it has nothing to do with money.
Financial fears can cause more stress among new parents than almost anything else. This is because monetary issues can imply that somehow there is a lack of good parenting. The two are not necessarily related. While you want your child to have opportunities as he grows up, not having lots of additional money doesn't have to make you a bad father, unless you decide to let it. Many happy children grow up with loving and open parents in homes that are not financially well off. The quality of a parent is not defined by his bank account alone.
Causing Pain or Injury
If you're a new father and you suddenly see exactly how small a newborn baby is one of your top fears is likely to be causing pain or injury accidentally. Babies look quite fragile and often those without experience around newborns are a little afraid to pick them up or hold them.
The main worry that you have to contend with is picking up the baby while making sure his head is well supported. You can do this by sliding one hand under the back and the other under the head and gently lifting both hands at the same time into a cradled position. This will help stabilize the head while offering you the ability to safely lift the baby.
If you are concerned about things like dropping the baby, you are not alone. This is a common fear because it has been done. Newborns are easy to tuck into the arm that you prefer to carry him in. Many new dads sort of hold the baby like a football, tucked up into the arm with the other arm coming under to provide extra support. Most people do not drop newborns. When the baby starts to become more active and wiggle or flop himself about is when they are most likely to be dropped. Paying attention to the body position is how this is avoided over the next year.
Inability to Bond
As a new father you are presented with a tiny person. He doesn't speak, make eye contact, play, smile, laugh, or understand your jokes. He actually won't do much more than cry, nurse, and sleep for the first months he is around. This can set you up with a feeling like you might not be able to bond with your new baby.
Bonding is a process. You can't expect to have moments where you are looking at your infant, staring off into space, and wonder exactly how you're supposed to relate to him. In all honesty, most people (new mothers included) often have this feeling and simply don't admit to it. A new baby doesn't usually pour on the personality in a manner that is easy to relate to. Because a newborn is a lot of work it can be difficult to see the bonding process happening. It is happening.
Every new parent, new grandparent, new aunt and new uncle has the same fears about being able to bond. The bonding process is not well manifested in history because it hasn't been something that has been written extensively about. It is just assumed that it will happen. During the first month or so you will start to see little things that will catch your attention. By the end of the third month, most new fathers are finding themselves quite comfortable in their bonding process, which will be a lifelong process.
Feeding does help with the bonding process. If you both have decided to bottle feed then you can participate in all of the feedings, including those in the middle of the night. This is not only helpful to the baby's mother but it is also helpful when facilitating the bond.
Health and Safety
A new baby brings a flood of new concerns for the health and safety of the baby. What is the right sleeping position? How do you make sure you didn't overlook something imperative in the baby proofing process? How can you guarantee you won't have a car accident on the way to the grandparents' home?
Life is filled with risk and it's easy to see so many new threats that weren't so obvious before. A new baby means a new sense of vulnerability and that can drive a new father mad if you let it. Yes, there are many precautions that you need to take. Sleeping wedges are recommended for the best sleeping position. Bathing should be something done with care and supervision for many years to come. Car seats should be well secured and appropriately sized while facing the proper direction. Taking the essential steps to help improve the safety of the baby without trying to create an environment that can't be lived in is how parents cope. You can't prevent your baby's first cold whether he gets it at 3 months or 9 months. You can only try to prevent bringing one home to him whenever possible.
Being a New Father
Being a new father can be a fun experience if you don't let the worries that come with it consume you. Everyone makes mistakes and you will too. In the end, once you learn how to get a diaper on him, carry him safely, feed him with care, and do your best to provide a safe and nurturing environment for him you are doing your job to the best of your ability. That is the best anyone does. Thus, that is the best that you will do as well.
A first time father can look to his own experiences for guidance. This isn't always easy because not all men feel that they have had successful role models in their lives. Sometimes it isn't about defining a role model and taking on ideals developed through someone else's example that creates a good father. Sometimes a good father can look at their experiences and determine what it is that they really should avoid doing.
Financial Fears
Despite the changing roles of gender specific ideals, the new father still feels the pressure to earn the income necessary for his family. One of the quiet and constant worries of a new dad is almost always financial. In fact, this fear can be so great that he forgets to stop and actually enjoy his family. In those moments when everything is really actually just fine, he is living in the future worrying about money and security. While financial planning is certainly recommended for any family, it is just as important to stop and see what is going on right at the moment. Chances are it has nothing to do with money.
Financial fears can cause more stress among new parents than almost anything else. This is because monetary issues can imply that somehow there is a lack of good parenting. The two are not necessarily related. While you want your child to have opportunities as he grows up, not having lots of additional money doesn't have to make you a bad father, unless you decide to let it. Many happy children grow up with loving and open parents in homes that are not financially well off. The quality of a parent is not defined by his bank account alone.
Causing Pain or Injury
If you're a new father and you suddenly see exactly how small a newborn baby is one of your top fears is likely to be causing pain or injury accidentally. Babies look quite fragile and often those without experience around newborns are a little afraid to pick them up or hold them.
The main worry that you have to contend with is picking up the baby while making sure his head is well supported. You can do this by sliding one hand under the back and the other under the head and gently lifting both hands at the same time into a cradled position. This will help stabilize the head while offering you the ability to safely lift the baby.
If you are concerned about things like dropping the baby, you are not alone. This is a common fear because it has been done. Newborns are easy to tuck into the arm that you prefer to carry him in. Many new dads sort of hold the baby like a football, tucked up into the arm with the other arm coming under to provide extra support. Most people do not drop newborns. When the baby starts to become more active and wiggle or flop himself about is when they are most likely to be dropped. Paying attention to the body position is how this is avoided over the next year.
Inability to Bond
As a new father you are presented with a tiny person. He doesn't speak, make eye contact, play, smile, laugh, or understand your jokes. He actually won't do much more than cry, nurse, and sleep for the first months he is around. This can set you up with a feeling like you might not be able to bond with your new baby.
Bonding is a process. You can't expect to have moments where you are looking at your infant, staring off into space, and wonder exactly how you're supposed to relate to him. In all honesty, most people (new mothers included) often have this feeling and simply don't admit to it. A new baby doesn't usually pour on the personality in a manner that is easy to relate to. Because a newborn is a lot of work it can be difficult to see the bonding process happening. It is happening.
Every new parent, new grandparent, new aunt and new uncle has the same fears about being able to bond. The bonding process is not well manifested in history because it hasn't been something that has been written extensively about. It is just assumed that it will happen. During the first month or so you will start to see little things that will catch your attention. By the end of the third month, most new fathers are finding themselves quite comfortable in their bonding process, which will be a lifelong process.
Feeding does help with the bonding process. If you both have decided to bottle feed then you can participate in all of the feedings, including those in the middle of the night. This is not only helpful to the baby's mother but it is also helpful when facilitating the bond.
Health and Safety
A new baby brings a flood of new concerns for the health and safety of the baby. What is the right sleeping position? How do you make sure you didn't overlook something imperative in the baby proofing process? How can you guarantee you won't have a car accident on the way to the grandparents' home?
Life is filled with risk and it's easy to see so many new threats that weren't so obvious before. A new baby means a new sense of vulnerability and that can drive a new father mad if you let it. Yes, there are many precautions that you need to take. Sleeping wedges are recommended for the best sleeping position. Bathing should be something done with care and supervision for many years to come. Car seats should be well secured and appropriately sized while facing the proper direction. Taking the essential steps to help improve the safety of the baby without trying to create an environment that can't be lived in is how parents cope. You can't prevent your baby's first cold whether he gets it at 3 months or 9 months. You can only try to prevent bringing one home to him whenever possible.
Being a New Father
Being a new father can be a fun experience if you don't let the worries that come with it consume you. Everyone makes mistakes and you will too. In the end, once you learn how to get a diaper on him, carry him safely, feed him with care, and do your best to provide a safe and nurturing environment for him you are doing your job to the best of your ability. That is the best anyone does. Thus, that is the best that you will do as well.
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